uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
