Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
