You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize