you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
