your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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