The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Randomize
