oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
