I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just googled if crying burns calories
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
