Soap is not a condiment
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
