i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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