I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
