The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
