Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
