So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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