Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
