Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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