Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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