Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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