i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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