dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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