dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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