I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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