Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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