she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
