so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
