Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
