Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I want her autograph on my taint
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize