i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
