are you still at the devil's house?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize