As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
