Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It all started with a game of naked twister.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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