How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
