are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You are a genius and a whore.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
