Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
