no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
