my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
