I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So much Jack, so little girl.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
