I wish I could punch you in the face.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
