No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
