Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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