Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
