They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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