I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We need a shit load of segways right now
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
