**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
