yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
