You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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