my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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