im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
