I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
