shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
