he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
