Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
