I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
