dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
