I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
