used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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