I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
